Jesters of Middle Earth

[edit: and Crackerz too...]

Its been drawn to my attention that despite all being fans you don't really seem to have grasped what Twilight is about so I thought I'd clear a few things up for you girls before any more foolish mistakes are made!

First up this is what the lead actor normally looks like when trying to act before they add the CGI etc... Post effects work he simply looks blandly gormless, ya know like the people equivalent of celery... or maybe leek.

I'm sure you'll agree the character in the background here would have made the whole film much more interesting and added some credibility, sadly it didn't turn out this way as they couldn't afford Wesley Snipes.

Good news for Wesley there... cos Twilight is really awful! I mean I figured Twilight was bad, but I assumed that it would at least be inteligible.

But for people who haven't read the books it's a jumbled mess of inexplicable motivations and events. Like when with almost no explanation, a game of Vampire Lightning Baseball is interrupted by the sudden CLIMAX OF THE MOVIE... out of nowhere, in which a character that has literally been on screen for 30 seconds so far is now at the crux of the movie's major dramatic arc?
I'll tell you what is scary - this movie's inability to follow any rational structure of plot or character development.

Anyway, to cut a long rant short(ish) I have provided a bullet-point summary of the whole Twilight thing in order to educate and inform you.

• Teenage vampires travel from high school to high school pretending to be incestuous siblings, because that is just a smart cover story.
  
• Teen vampires always sit in a semi-circle around their lunch table facing away from each other, makes it easier to give everyone "f**k me" eyes.
  
• Vampires know just where to find rays of sunlight in an otherwise gray forest, FACT.
  
• When you transfer to a new school, it will somehow be prom right away.
  
• Although vampires can hit baseballs very, very far, the outfielders must remain at a regulation distance from the plate and then run fast into the woods to find the ball.
  
• If you're a bad vampire, wearing shirts is optional.
  
• Edward can read everyone's mind except Bella's (perhaps a "she is clinically brain dead" twist in future films?)
  
• Vampires cannot go out in the sun because their skin sparkles and everyone will know they are vampires (or extras in a Lady Gaga video)
  
• You can throw off a Tracker Vampire by rubbing a hoodie on a tree.
  
• Some vampires have psychic visions that can only be transcribed in charcoal drawings
  
• If you are a bad vampire who hangs out in a crew of bad vampires, and one of those bad vampires is black and has dreadlocks, watch out for him, because he will betray you for no reason, like right away
  
• Although in danger it would probably be faster for vampires to use their superspeed to get away, sometimes they just like to drive!
  
• Sometimes vampires have venom and sometimes they don't?
  
• Going back to Vampire Baseball for a second: it is important to wear a "baseball" hat in a way that makes you look like a special needs child.

Always glad to have been of assistance

LOOOOL!!!!!

Genius, and saves me wasting 2 hours of my life watching a crap movie too :D

Thank you

Acty

LOL...havent got the time for a full reply but I will agree with you on the Pattison looking

Rowanath:

blandly gormless

And as Great's previous post.....summed it up perfectly!

L x

Haha, someone let me borrow their copy of Twilight the other day, I feel that I need to watch it to see what the fuss is all about but I really don't want to like it! Though it does give me hope that every review of the books that I've read say they're not particularly well written which gives me hope for my own future novels

 fang envy....

Love Mai xxx

I do want to watch these films just to see why its so crap lol

meh i still prefer Angel from Buffy xDDD

Sorry Row...I do have to be point out a few flaws in your argument...

Rowanath:

Vampires know just where to find rays of sunlight in an otherwise gray forest, FACT.

well he does say it was a spot he found....he's ancient, he's had plenty time to look for said spot

Rowanath:

When you transfer to a new school, it will somehow be prom right away.

It is stated in the storyline thats shes starting mid way through the year (missed out in the film - clearly to make it 'shorter' in length) its also stated March if i remember right in the actual book....hence prom starting to be arranged and therefore falling really quickly.

Rowanath:

Edward can read everyone's mind except Bella's (perhaps a "she is clinically brain dead" twist in future films?)

Bella seems to be the only one immune to all the Vmpirey type stuffs, which will be seen in the forthcoming stories.

Rowanath:

You can throw off a Tracker Vampire by rubbing a hoodie on a tree.

It was a tried and tested methid...didnt actually succeed so therefore only the initial plan was flawed by tracing the scent another direction.

Rowanath:

Some vampires have psychic visions that can only be transcribed in charcoal drawings

But surely its easier to draw the picture of said place than try and describe every detail of one building, in which there could be hundreds similar in the entire continent of the US....the fact Bella figured out exactly where he was though from that one drawing....

Rowanath:

Although in danger it would probably be faster for vampires to use their superspeed to get away, sometimes they just like to drive!

Theyre trying to blend in with the surrounding environments!

Rowanath:

Sometimes vampires have venom and sometimes they don't?

No, they all do(?) But the point here should surely be the fact that apparently the venom can be sucked out of the persons system before it 'kicks in'

Rowanath:

Going back to Vampire Baseball for a second: it is important to wear a "baseball" hat in a way that makes you look like a special needs child.

But its not just Vampires that do that....numerous people whether playing sport or hanging around with the 'in-crowd' find this acceptable everyday practice.

L x

And Row, although I am on the defense side of the whole Twilight thing, Im actually surprised you never even gave a mention to the amazing walking up trees thing that goes on in the film and just how fantastic it looks....not! And generally how bad most if not all of the acting is in it....

L x

 Yeah Row! what Lal said x 2 

love Mai xxx

hehehe, feel free to correct any errors I may have made in it Mai!

L x

 Nothong wrong there that i can see.

There are 2 member(s) online. - Lal, Maidal  <---only have 2 days left till we see the film then ur all done for muhahaahah

Love Mai xxx

 Just cus i'm not an Edward Cullen fan....

This made me laugh sooo hard i gave myself a head ache...

Love Mai xxx

LOL! Mai that is soooo true! And I can kinda see where the headache come from

L x

 Yeah Row what Lal said.....

Do i detect a little jealousy

Personally i enjoyed the book more than the film. Looking forward to see what "New Moon" has to offer, praying there isn't any tree climbing. 

Crackerz:

enjoyed the book more than the film

L x